


Speak of What You've Dreamed

by NeoSoul



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Eating Disorders, Other, Self Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-06
Updated: 2016-11-10
Packaged: 2018-08-29 09:27:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8484112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeoSoul/pseuds/NeoSoul
Summary: Anakin lands in the hospital after attempting suicide.  He ends up with a tube in his nose, and a whole lot of pain.  Obi-Wan promises to visit Anakin while Anakin is forced to stay in the hospital.  Anakin dreams of this fantasy world where space travel is as normal as driving and there is a force that surrounds every human in the galaxy, and Anakin begins to share these with Obi-Wan whenever he'd visit, stringing together a story





	1. Aftermath

Anakin awoke groggily from the nap that he had taken for the hours prior. The beeping of the hospital machines made him want to just scream. It was so constant and he already had a shitty headache, so the endless beeping didn't make anything better. The tube that was up his nose wasn't much better anyway, it made him feel sick, and nothing felt fine at all. He looked up and saw Mace, who had declared himself his uncle. Anakin never knew his parents anyway. His mom had passed years prior. He loved her, but he rarely spent time with her, and he couldn't after he had gone away to the boarding school.

He notices someone else in the room. He noticed the kid who called himself Obi-Wan Kenobi. The name confused Anakin in many senses, but Obi-Wan was a kind soul and his absolute best friend, so he never questioned his name out loud. His heart had started to beat faster as he realized what had happened. He would have to explain. Everything, everything he'd done. For years. He was dreading it, but it sort of felt as if a weight had been lifted off his chest. He looked up at Mace as he twirled his hand through his shoulder-length brown curls. Mace had a stern but concerned look that was plaguing his face, and that made Anakin feel worse than he did at the moment. He started to feel extremely sick, and knew something was going to come up at any moment. Luckily he was near a trash can. Anakin's stomach was in knots, and the minute it released it, Anakin puked into the trash can. He hadn't expected it to be as violent as it was. Mace hands him a paper towel to wipe his face off. Anakin takes it and looks Mace in the eye for a second. Mace had a slight sympathetic smile on his face at that moment and it made Anakin fear talking just a little bit less. He puts the trash can down and breathes. Obi-Wan stands in the corner of the room. A saddened look on his face as he was watching his best friend in pain. He just wanted everything to be ok. Anakin then hurled again, his stomach in knots upon knots. This time more bile and acid, as he hadn't eaten the day prior, just had a shitload of pills that he had to get pumped. Mace hands him another paper towel. Anakin kindly accepts it. His throat hurt again, he hadn't puked in months. He vowed he wouldn't after he had purged up blood one night. The silence in the room was uncomfortable and unsettling in the least. It was only broken with Anakin's puking episodes, until Mace finally spoke.

"Why? Why would you even...What was going through your mind? What the hell dude." He said, and then Anakin sighed. Knowing this question would come up at one point, he hadn't quite prepared for it though, and knew not what to say. His heart started to beat faster, and the machine started to beep a bit faster, which stressed him out more than it should have.

"I...I don't know." He said, finally after a long, stressful silence. Mace started to develop an angry look on his face.

"You don't know why you tried to take your own life?" Mace said, the concern in his voice was smothered by retained anger. Anakin looked away.

"I don't remember. It all happened so fast. It was just bam, got too much and I downed the pills after purging many times." Anakin said, his voice starting to shake out of nervousness and slight fear for what was going to happen next.

"Purging?" Mace asked, in concern, that was now becoming clear in his voice.  
"Throwing up...on purpose." Anakin said, quietly. Mace contorted his face, anger clear as day was swept across it.  
"Anakin. Why. Why didn't you tell me about this?" Mace said in disbelief. Anakin tried to hide under his hair, which had become too thin for anything.  
"What would I have said? 'Oh Mace, I'm throwing up in the school bathrooms by sticking my hands down throat everyday'" Anakin said, and Mace sighed. Trying to calm himself down.  
"This is all so overwhelming. Being hit by so many truth bombs all at once. I guess I just. I'm sorry, it's all just a shock to me." Mace said, as he was attempting to understand all the reasoning behind this. Obi-Wan had shrunk into the back of the room, avoiding any of the conflict between the other two.

It felt as if no time had passed, as if it was still the same. Anakin would puke every now and then, and the room had an unpleasant smell of bile and stomach acid. It made Obi-Wan crinkle his nose in disgust. Anakin wished for a doctor to come in and give him pain pills, as he was starting to feel the effects of the ones he was on wear off. After more awkward silence and another episode of puking later, a doctor finally walked in and Anakin sighed in relief. He looked up in hope.  
"I thought you'd still be asleep, most attempt survivors sleep for hours longer than you have." The doctor said out of surprise. Anakin looked down, still surprised by the tube that now was in his nose. Probably to feed his malnourished body, as he couldn't stomach solid food, and even some liquids.

"Well I'm not, and the pain meds are wearing off." Anakin said, desperate for another dose. The doctor rolled a chair over with a clipboard, which made Anakin frustrated, as that meant he wouldn't get his pain pills.

"First, I need to asses some things," The doctor said and reached for a pen that was in the pocket of his shirt. "Any pain?"

"Everything and everywhere." Anakin said.

"Any specific area that's worse than the rest?" The doctor asked and Anakin nodded.  
"My stomach and my nose." He said.

"That's normal with kids in your situation. Any nausea?" He asked.

"I've been throwing up since I woke up." Anakin said.  
"How long was that?" The doctor asked.  
"An hour or so ago." Anakin said, and the doctor then smelt the residual smell of the vomit, and his nose crinkled slightly in disgust.

"That can be a side effect of the stomach pumping and the pills you swallowed, I'll send a nurse in to clean up and get you some pain pills in a bit" The doctor said, surprisingly calmly.

"Thank fucking god." Anakin said, now that he knew he'd get the pain pills he'd been desperate for since he had woken up.

"But first, we have to discuss what to do from here." The doctor said, and Anakin sighed with a slight groan as well, out of frustration. His body felt weak, but when did it not, his heart raced a little, knowing he'd be in this hospital for ages, alone, with nothing and no one.

"I'm guessing I'm here to stay for a while?" Anakin asked and the doctor nodded.

"Medically, we need you stable before any other action can be taken." The doctor said and Anakin sighed. He just wanted to go home, to the place he was so familiar with. He wanted nothing to do with the white washed walls of the hospital, or the loud beeping noises, the sobs of families who'd either lost their kid or wives who'd lost their husbands, or vice-versa. It was just a place of sadness to Anakin. He hated it here, but he knew he was here to stay.

How long will that take?" Anakin asked, and the doctor shrugged.

"I don't know, it all depends, but probably a month or so before we send you to inpatient." The doctor said, and Anakin cringed at the word inpatient. He wanted anything but that horror. It was worse than the tube that was forced up his nose.

"Is inpatient necessary?" Anakin asked, hoping he'd be able to skip out on it.

"If we feel it's what's needed at the time, yes, but if you're mentally and physically stable enough for outpatient, we'll change the plan of action." The doctor said. Anakin sighed, he wished everything would be like before. He wanted this mess to be over, so that his life could normalize again, and he'd know he'd be able to live his life to the fullest. Anakin felt so trapped, but that just became his normal, and he'd think nothing of it anymore. It was not even a compulsion, just a habit to starve. It just became his normal.

Mace eyed Anakin with concern, Anakin hated the pity party that he was receiving, it made him feel worthless as well as just like crap in general. Anakin wanted to rip the IV out of his arm, and the tube out of his nose, but he couldn't. He was condemned to this room. The four white walls and the beeping of machines. It seemed worse than hell to him.

"So I have no say in this then?" Anakin asked, and the doctor nodded.

"Well you do, it's all in how you take it, if you start to eat again, and you're not purging out of your tube or normally, and you're self-destructive behaviors go down, you will have a say." the doctor explained and Anakin picked at a scab on his skin from an older wound. Obi-Wan had slinked to the back of the room, but every time Anakin would make eye contact with him, he'd give a warm smile, to show Anakin that he cared for him.

"Sounds like a dream, when do we start." Anakin spouted sarcastically. The doctor smiled.

"I guess now." He said and Anakin wiped the small bit of blood that had escaped the wound he had picked at.  
"Great, get me some painkillers and a towel, maybe some water to, puke doesn't sit well in the mouth." Anakin said. The doctor left the room to get the nurse. Anakin waited anxiously for the nurse to come in with his requests. Mace looked disappointed in Anakin, at least slightly.  
"You don't treat doctors that way." Mace scolded Anakin. Anakin looked out the window.

"I just puked for an hour straight and almost died last night, please give my brain a break, I'm in pain already." Anakin said, and Mace understood the boy, so his face relaxed again.  
"I know, and I apologize for my outburst. This is all just overwhelming to me. Anakin gently smiled to show he was understanding of Mace. The room was then eerily quiet for a few moments before the nurse came on with Anakin's painkillers.  
"We've had a busy morning, so sorry for the delay." The nurse apologized to Anakin and he thanked her dearly for her efforts. She smiled, and handed him a glass of water and two painkillers. Anakin didn't know if two would cause harm to his body, as it probably didn't have the strength the to digest anything properly, let alone function.

"Is two going to kill me?" Anakin asked the nurse and she laughed.  
"Start with the one if you're concerned, then call me if you need another later." She said and Anakin swallowed one of the pain pills and chugged the water, as the puking had dehydrated him of water. He slowly felt his headache going away after a few minutes. The silence in the room felt louder than any word could ever be spoken. It made Anakin's ears ring in a sense. He sighed.  
"Anyone going to speak, the silence is killing my head." He said and Mace then shook his head.  
"I have to get to work anyways, I'll check in with you often." He said and then he swiftly left the room, leaving just Anakin and Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan walked closer now, still extremely awkward, but his face was gentle compared to the stern look on Mace's face. He smiled softly at Anakin.  
"I'm really glad you're alive man, really." Obi-Wan said and Anakin looked down, trying to hide the slight embarrassment he felt.

"I'm sorry if I scared you." Anakin apologized to Obi-Wan.  
"I'm sorry if Mace was harsh on you." Obi-Wan apologized back to Anakin.

"He had good intentions with his words." Anakin said, justifying Mace's actions.  
"Yeah, but he could've been nicer about it." Obi-Wan said. Anakin shrugged.  
"Nice to know he cares though." Anakin said, and the two sat together in the room, it was quiet except for the beeping noises that Anakin would have to get accustomed to. He felt comfortable in the presence of Obi-Wan, especially since the two were alone. Mace was Anakin's caretaker ever since his mother died, so he was like Anakin's father, and telling your father you're starving yourself really was never an easy task.

"So you're stuck here for a month?" Obi-Wan asked, and Anakin shrugged.  
"I guess until I'm not in danger of dying anymore." Anakin said, his words were short and he had trouble stringing his words together sometimes.

"I'll visit you as much as possible then." Obi-Wan said and Anakin smiled at the kindness his friend was showing, given the circumstances.

"I'll appreciate that, the hospital seems like a lonely place." Anakin said, and Obi-Wan agreed.  
"For sure," Obi-Wan looked at his phone. "Hey, I have to work a shift, I'll be back next chance I get though." Obi-Wan said and left swiftly, leaving Anakin alone in the white room, and the beeps seemed to become louder than they ever were before, and it set off Anakin's headache again.


	2. Stories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anakin shares his dreams

Anakin awoke late in the night with a pounding headache, he groaned when he realized the pain meds had worn off. His head felt as if it was being stabbed over and over again. Anakin wanted to call for a nurse, but he felt it was too late to call for one. He just sat in the darkness and massaged his temples, and he told himself that if he would start throwing up again, then he’d call for someone, which hadn’t happened yet. Anakin pulled out his phone and scrolled mindlessly through instagram, as he usually did when he couldn’t sleep. There were pictures of people, people with happy lives, experiences that’d change them for the better, food, everything really, at least everything happy. Anakin sighed and then cursed the tube up his nose. He hated it, and he couldn’t lie that he had the urge to pull it out numerous times already, and it’s not even been in for 24 hours. Anakin began to feel sick to his stomach again, and he expected more puking. He had the trash can nearby, and he leaned over it again, hoping he’d puke, he felt it was better to just puke than to feel the discomfort. Anakin leaned over the trash can in hopes it’d just come out, and it eventually did. The sour taste wasn’t something he loved, so he did eventually call for a nurse, and as quickly as he did, one arrived. She smiled gently.  
“What can I do for you?” She asks Anakin.  
“I have a pounding headache and just puked, I don’t know what you can do, but help.” Anakin said, and the nurse smiled gently.  
“I can get you some more painkiller and some water, but I can’t do much else.” The nurse said and Anakin smiled.  
“Please, please get me anything to help.” He said and she smiled gently and left the room for a couple moments. Anakin massaged his temples in an attempt to stop the pounding in his head. He wanted to scream, at everyone, especially whoever landed him in the hospital. He wanted to be dead, he just wanted to be dead. Anakin cursed himself for being so weak. He just wanted out, the pain wasn’t worth it to him, death seemed so much better.  
He was startled by a knock.  
“Hey, I have your pain meds.” The nurse said in a gentle voice, and Anakin smiled slightly.  
“Thanks.” He said, quite flatly, and she smiled.  
“I really hope you feel better, you look like you’re in so much pain.” She observed and Anakin shrugged.  
“I deserve it.” Anakin blurted and the nurse sighed a little.  
“I bet you’re a wonderful kid man.” She said and left. Anakin took the pain meds and laid back down in his bed. He looked up at the four walls until the pain meds kicked in and he fell back asleep.  
He dreamt of a lovely place. He liked to call it home sometimes, he’d dream of it when everything felt like it was crashing down around him, and as of right now, it was. The dreams were sort of strung together like a story, and he was the protagonist in the story. He felt a sort of sense of happiness and belonging in this world.  
Anakin couldn’t dream for long, since he was forced to be awoken the next day. He groggily rubbed his eyes and groaned. He knew there’d be some sort of shrink session soon, and he dreaded it dearly.  
“Anakin, wake up.” Anakin heard someone say, and he slowly opened his eyes. He looked over to where the voice was heard, and he sighed. Another nurse brought in some food.  
“I was told to bring you some food to see how you’d do with it.” The nurse said and Anakin sighed. He didn’t want food, last time he ate he just puked it all up, and more. It wasn’t a high point in his life for sure.  
“I don’t want it. I still feel sick.” Anakin said, and the nurse placed it on the bedside table.  
“It’s there if you change your mind.” The nurse said sympathetically, and she left swiftly. Anakin looked at the food. He wanted it, sure, but there was something stopping him. He couldn’t. His brain wouldn’t let him, so he sat there, with his tube up his nose, wishing it would all end.  
He didn’t know how much later it was, but Obi-Wan walked into the room.  
“Hey, I brought you your work dude.” Obi-Wan said and Anakin pointed to the bedside table, which the tray had been collected from earlier. Obi-Wan placed the papers on it and then he stood awkwardly.  
“So, when are you off of suicide watch?” Obi-Wan asked, and Anakin shrugged.  
“I don’t know, two days I think.” Anakin said and Obi-Wan smiled sympathetically.  
“Everyone asked about you at school.” Obi-Wan said.  
“Really, I thought I was hated there.” Anakin said, confused, and Obi-Wan paced the room a bit.  
“Guess not, they were pretty legit concerned.” Obi-Wan said and Anakin fiddled with his tube.  
“Well aside from the pity party that’s going on, how’s your life been?” Anakin asked Obi-Wan and Obi-Wan shrugged.  
“Nothing really, except I miss you man, it’s only been a day, but it’s lonely.” Obi-Wan said. Anakin remembered the dream that he had, about the galaxy, about the force.  
“I had a crazy dream last night.” Anakin spouted suddenly, and Obi-Wan was sort of surprised, but his face showed intrigue as well.  
“Explain my dude.” Obi-Wan said.  
“Well there was this living force. It flows all around us, through us. It’s a powerful thing. Some people had legit powers from it, they could move things using it, and they could fight, even control minds. It was wild, and there was this kid, he looked like me, the same hair, the same eyes, even the same scar. He was one of those people, they called them a Jedi, and they were powerful, they had these sabers, the sabers could legit harness light and make it a lethal weapon. The lightsabers could literally slice a limb off, it was insane. Then there were these clones, millions of them, they’d fight for what they’d call the Republic. These clone troopers and the Jedi would fight together to defeat who they’d call the Separatists. They called this the Clone Wars. You were in the dream to, as a Jedi, and Mace Windu to, as a Jedi Master. He was one of the top council members, along with your genius grandfather, the one whom you called Yoda for some reason.” Anakin explained, and Obi-Wan was intrigued with this story. It was something he’d never heard before, but it was something great.  
“That sounds wonderful really.” Obi-Wan said, and Anakin nodded.  
“You had this beard, it was pretty great, better than anything you’ve tried to grow in the past.” Anakin said, and Obi-Wan brushed his chin with it’s small amount of hair that was on it.  
“Well, it’s getting there now.” Obi-Wan said and Anakin chuckled slightly.  
“One day it’ll grow in, I promise.” Anakin said, and Obi-Wan smiled.  
“Hopefully.” He said, and Anakin remembered more of his dream.  
“There was more of it, this story. We were on a planet called Coruscant, and there was this council that we were apart of, and I don’t know. It was just a small dream, as I was woken up too soon.  
“It still seems like a wonderful thing, if you dream more up, tell me, I love it.” Obi-Wan said, and then there was a knock on the door, and a nurse walked in with another tray.  
“It was suggested we try again to get you to eat.” The nurse said and Anakin sighed.  
“I don’t want it.” Anakin said and Obi-Wan glared at him.  
“At least try.” The nurse said and Anakin looked at the food with disgust.  
“Fine, I guess.” He said and the nurse left the room. Obi-Wan sighed, audibly.  
“Are you going to try?” Obi-Wan asked, and Anakin looked at the mush that was on the tray.  
“I don’t know, I don’t wanna end up puking my guts out again.” Anakin said and Obi-Wan sat walked toward Anakin.  
“I’d say at least try man.” Obi-Wan tried to convince Anakin, and Anakin sighed, annoyed.  
“Fine, just because you’re telling me to.” Anakin said, and he took a few bites of his food. He hated it, but seeing Obi-Wan smile made eating worth the pain.  
Anakin dreaded this, and he knew it’d be a long and painful process to get better.


End file.
